Barren and Believing

First Ultrasound

barrenandbelieving — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 16:57:36 +0000

On Wednesday, in the midst of a blizzard, the snow let up just long enough for us to make the 1 hour trek to the RE. The roads were mostly slush at that point so it wasn’t TOO dangerous. My hubby was sweet enough to “try” to get there even though we thought at some point we would have to turn around. But, we made it there successfully and on time!

Unfortunately my doctor was in surgery and it was unknown when he would be able to come up to see me. So, I agreed to letting his partner do it.

It was AMAZING to see our little peanut on the screen and see the heart beating away. My hubby just sat there and said “wow.”

They think I am either 6 or 7 weeks along.

Since I haven’t had a regular period since going off BC there is really no way to tell when I ovulated.

The due date that they gave me is June 18th (the day my dad asked my mom to marry him).

I think the due date should actually be a little earlier (because my hubby was OOT) when they say we conceived but I am not sure it really matters. I hear that these babies come whenever they want to and I am fine with that.

I have been feeling pretty crappy the last 2 months and was starting to feel as if there was no end. Thankfully a fellow pregnant friend recommended Sea Bands to me for the constant nausea. I just got them today and already feel much better.

They aren’t the most attractive things but TOTALLY worth it. I wanted to pass it along to all of you so that you will know what to get if you have morning sickness.

And before I go, here is a picture of the little one:

Kaiser and how I really feel about them.

barrenandbelieving — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 13:46:00 +0000

A few days ago (Monday to be exact) I called my RE to let them in on the good news. The nurse was stunned to say the least. Somehow they had written in my chart that I was supposed to take progestrone to have a period in September and start it around the 19th. Somehow that information never got to me. Coincidence, I think not…God knew! The nurse seemed to have a little difficulty absorbing what I was telling her but eventually ordered me some lab work. I appreciate how proactive they are at my office. I guess I should apologize to Kaiser too {for all the mean things I have been known to say about them}. I had the lab work drawn and even had the opportunity to go to a walk-in flu shot clinic {Kaiser, you are the best!}.

The nurse was supposed to call me the next day but by 3 pm I had not heard a word and they had not released my results to the kaiser online database yet {Kaiser, I hate you}. I was working and had so much fear running through my body. The words “chemical pregnancy” have been haunting me the past few days. But low and behold she called, I AM pregnant and they have no idea how far along {Kaiser, I love you again}. She even scheduled my first ultrasound at the end of October {More lover for Kaiser}. It all still seems so surreal.

Then yesterday, I had anticipated waiting allllllllll, day loooooong again to get the results of my second BHCG. But low and behold, on my way to work (730 am) the RE nurse calls with the results {Now I am considering naming my baby after Kaiser}. I am happy to report that from Monday to Wednesday my level went from 500 to 2000!!!!!!

Its becoming a little less sur-real and more real now and we have started telling family and friends and oh yeah, posting it on Facebook. I KNOW you are “supposed” to wait but I am JUST too excited.

p.s. I would NEVER EVER name my kid Kaiser even if they do decide that I never have to pay for medical treatment again.

A few thank you’s

barrenandbelieving — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 14:32:30 +0000

Thank you ladies for your support these past few months and even being happy for me when you are waiting for your own little ones. I have never met you face-to-face but I do count you as friends. I am praying for you all. Especially those of you who all seem to be on the 2ww at the same time. Let’s have our own baby-boom next summer!

Thank you Metformin. I never thought I would say it but I guess you worked and maybe all that nausea wasn’t completely your fault.

Thank you LORD! I am so thankful to you for allowing me to experience pregnancy and the gift of a child. Thank you for walking with me on the hard days, carrying me when I didn’t know if I could walk, and giving me your strength. You are a wonderful God.

Thank you to my hubby for bearing with me on the hard, emotional days where I couldn’t see the hope. You are the best husband a girl could ever want. I love you

I never saw it coming…

barrenandbelieving — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 02:17:57 +0000

IT LOOKS AS IF…

I AM PREGNANT!

PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!

I never saw it coming…I took the test today because a few days ago I told my mom about all the symptoms I was having {I thought I was about to get my period} and she said that it sounded like I was pregnant.

We all know about the nausea and breast tenderness I have been experiencing {ugh! but now totally worth it}. There has also been weird cravings for Taco Bell, Pickles and random other foods I don’t usually eat. Fatigue has also been a struggle this past week. Today I took 2 naps and still feel exhausted. Then this morning I found a bag of chips I put away in the refrigerator {does pregnancy brain really start this early?}. I have also had constipation. When I Googled symptoms for pregnancy I found all of mine to be on the list but I didn’t anticipate the Metformin to work this early. Wow!

It is still setting in and I keep looking at the two lines over and over again.

Ahhhhhhhhhh, this seems so surreal.

{p.s. if you are one of the few people who knows who I am and does read this blog, please don’t say anything to anyone since I still need to tell my family. Thanks}

He isn’t a baby but…

barrenandbelieving — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 17:00:36 +0000

the love I get from this little guy when I am sad always helps

Water is my friend!

barrenandbelieving — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 18:11:59 +0000

Water miraculously takes away the nausea feeling and helps me feel a MILLION times better!

PRAISETHELORD!

I stumbled upon this remedy by chance {I also like to call it divine intervention} when I went to a wedding last weekend. I didn’t drink any pop because I had noticed that it upset my stomach {even diet!}, I didn’t want lemonade {sugar = more insulin} and tea just didn’t sound good. So water it was. And during the reception I must have been thirsty because I drank about 6 glasses of water.

It wasn’t till later that evening that I noticed I had not felt nauseous the entire day. The next day I tried to intentionally drink water when I felt nauseous and it worked. Ever since I have felt a MILLION times better {did I already say that?}. I have also stayed away from any sort of “sweet’ before bed and have subsequently slept better.

I also noticed that my breasts were very, very tender the last few days. Dare I say that I may get my period in the next couple weeks???? Oh my, maybe, just maybe this Metformin is working. Oh the little gleams of hope I will grab onto–sore breasts, ha!

Peace {with a little dash of nausea}

barrenandbelieving — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 14:16:04 +0000

I am feeling much, much better emotionally.

I feel {dare I say} at peace.

I feel peace about what I am going through.

Peace that the Lord hears me, knows me, loves me.

Peace that someday I will be a mom

I can do this, one day at a time.

The other day I found out that my cousin got another girl pregnant by accident. He is only 18, on drugs and going to have a baby. Sometimes I can’t believe the irony in life. I WANT a baby and he doesn’t. But then again, there isn’t anything new under the sun. I keep trying to find the contract that I made with God before coming to earth about everything making sense and being fair. But it’s not fair for anyone but I suppose that is what makes it fair. I am learning to be content with that and thankful for what I already have. I am sure that is a life long lesson.

Onto less deep things, but much more nauseating…{not for you, only for me}

metformin is a tricky little medication.

I eat ice cream = nausea

I stay away from sugar = nausea

I eat protein = nausea

I take a pregnancy test {negative} = nausea

I sleep = shooting stomach pains

I wake up = nausea

I did the “one pill for two weeks”- thing and the last day of the two weeks I felt normal. But, yesterday had to up the dose to “two pills a day- one at lunch and one a bed time.”

I took 1/2 a pill at lunch and oh mylanta!, you would have thought I was preggo with the bloating that ensued {so I had to remind myself that babies don’t grow in 4 hours}. Then came the gas, then came the burping. UCK!

Needless to say, I am not looking forward to more pills today. Heck, I am not even looking forward to eating. Nothing sounds good to me and nothing seems to keep that nausea at bay.

But I am going to keep living, praying, trying and pill-popping right a long with you all.

God bless!

Facing what I didn’t want to accept

barrenandbelieving — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 13:56:46 +0000

what are those stages of grief again???

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

So denial is where I have been spending most of my time. Not denial about infertility but denial about my “insulin resistance” which is supposedly the cause of all of my infertility problems.

Anger, it comes through at times but mostly I just get sad. Anger is what happens when I work too much but that my friends is a story for another day.

Let me tell you how much I have “bargained” with my medical mind to come up with another reason for my “insulin resistance.”

“The birth control caused my hormones to rebound and now my testosterone is all out of whack.”
“They slapping the PCOS label on me because they have no other label to put on me.”
” I exercise and eat right so it can’t be me”
“They {the doctors} don’t know anything about my problem because they haven’t studied it enough.”

All of those things are a lovely mix of denial and bargaining. Oh joy, reading my thoughts now makes me a little nauseous.

Then we have depression. Yes, isn’t it fun to be depressed {not!}.

And then the last stage: acceptance. I don’t know about you but I move in and out of acceptance daily, even by the hour.

~~~

So now that we (I) have had our little psychology lesson and background on my “issue” here is what happened yesterday on the phone with my RE:

He wanted to talk about putting me on Metformin (glucophage). The diabetes medication. For my insulin resistence. Which I have never really accepted as my true problem.

Yipppeeee! {not}

When I had initially met with him in June he had given me the option of Clomid or Metformin. Clomid seemed like the natural choice since it was the “sure” fix for ovulating which is my main problem. I was against Metformin from the start because you have to take two pills a day and it causes stomach upset and you have to take the pills for… life, basically. I don’t like taking pills and I don’t like being dependent on meds which led me right into denial and the happy place of Clomid.

Well, we all know that Clomid ain’t workin like it should be (don’t I sound refined?!)

So he doesn’t want me to keep trying it when we haven’t treated the root cause. Which does make sense but I hadn’t accepted my root cause, yet. So I asked him a lot of questions and he graciously answered them. He somewhat convinced me that this is my problem and the course that we need to take.

yada, yada.

I got off the phone, started crying and went to my closet (to shut out the world) with my ipod (armed with worship music) and started crying {out to God}. I am sad about a few things:

that I have to take this medication that will instantly make people assume I am a diabetic when other people hear about it
that I have to take medication to be pregnant
that I will have to put something on the line when I go to the Dr. office about what medications I am on
that I have to take this med for 3 months before trying clomid again
that I have insulin resistence when I try so hard to be healthy
that food has now become a focus for me when I have tried so hard not to make it a focus (since I overcame my eating disorder)

He doesn’t want me to eat simple, refined sugar. No white bread. He told me to exercise, several times. Which just ended up making me mad because I DO exercise. I run all the time and train for 1/2 marathons. But I am fragile when it comes to this food, exercise thing. Since I did have an eating disorder, I have worked very hard to make food = nutrition and have the mentality that nothing is “off limits” but that in moderation my weight can be controlled. Exercise is not something to do because you “have to” but because is healthy and gives you energy and sometimes fun. Now I feel that his words are a ball and chain around me and now something I “have” to do.

There are a lot of assumptions that people make when they hear I have PCOS: that I am fat (which I am not and am overly sensitive about and I hope I am not offending anyone reading this), that I don’t exercise, that I don’t eat well. All of these things aren’t true and I have worked hard during my life to get to this point. I hate the stigma.

Then when I went to the pharmacy to pick up the med, they all kept referring to the medication as a diabetic med and for high blood sugar. I just wanted to scream– I DON’T HAVE HIGH BLOOD SUGAR OR DIABETES!!!! But they don’t really care and somehow I am going to have to get over it.

Somehow I am just going to have to accept that this medication may help me (help my skin not have acne, help the hair growth stop and help me ovulate).

Yesterday, my hubby bought me roses and made it official “therapy” day. So we went out on a date, ate Chipolte and had ice cream.

And today I am somewhere between the happy-land of acceptance and disappointment.

But I do feel Him, I know He is there to help me, I know I will get through this and I know there are worse things in life than taking metformin.

“Disappointment…reminds us we are not in control and were never meant to be.” -Glenn Packaim

A few things to report…

barrenandbelieving — Wed, 09 Sep 2009 14:14:19 +0000

I’m NOT pregnant, NOT even ovulating at all

Yesterday I went and had my progesterone level drawn and just got a call from the nurse saying that indeed I had not ovulated.

I will focus on the good things right now…

One being that the RE office called me (less than 24 hours after my blood was drawn) to let me know the results and to tell me that the Dr. wanted to have a phone conference about what we would be doing next. So in 2 hours I will talk with him (he is calling me!!!!) about what we are going to do. I am also thankful that I don’t have to pay for an office visit and hopefully will have some answers or another course of action soon. Maybe talking with him and starting on the next course of action will help fill the hole I have inside right now. I will also start the Provera again and I don’t have the 2ww to deal with since I will come up empty.

Now on to the not-so-positive things…

Truthfully, I knew somewhere deep inside that I hadn’t ovulated and I wasn’t pregnant. My OPK malfunctioned after 3 tests and I didn’t want to fork out the extra $$$$ so I just stopped testing and had complete peace about that decision. I am glad I followed my guy feeling otherwise I may be upset about the wasted cash. Somedays I do so well waiting and others I just feel like I want to cry. Right now I am struggling to be content as I have spent the last few days at the hospital with a friend who just had her first baby. I AM happy for her but going and running to the store to get breast feeding supplies, holding the little one, and hearing about so many of my friends expecting has got me down. Not to mention the comments people make (who know I have infertility issues) about when are we going to have a baby??!?!?!? And I think I need to talk with my sweet hubby about the whole reproductive process because sometimes it seems as if he doesn’t know what’s going on (and who can blame him). I think he thinks that every time we have sex means there is a chance for a baby (true if a miracle were to take place); but if I am not ovulating, then there is really no chance and saying that every time just makes it worse.

I probably should have started with the bad things and gone onto the good because I feel worse now.

Well, I am going to go make some breakfast, do my Bible study and pray about this conversation that I will have with the Dr.

I trust God, I truly do and it helps me to write that.

I trust Him.

He cares…

barrenandbelieving — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 03:57:18 +0000

I read this today and it touched me. Today I have felt worried, jealous and really wanting a baby of my very own…

“My Dear Sister
God has not overlooked you
He has not ignored you
He hears every petition
And intimately knows
The heart beneath it.
Give Him full access
To all your longings
Pray every single day
To become a person who delights in Him.
When it seems to disappear
Remember to check your JAW
Are you jealous?
Are you angry?
Are you worried?
Roll it all on Jesus
He’s strong enough to carry it
Big enough to handle it.
Trust God with all your heart…”
~Beth Moore